Faith. Religion. Spirituality. Whatever we call it, it’s always up in the air these days. Like most normal unbrainwashed Americans with a healthy and wise level of skepticism, these issues have always been challenging to me, moreso lately. It’s been this way since leaving the Jesus-Christ-Holy-Nation that is “Campus Ministry.” Now, before I begin, if any readers of this are going to start drawing conclusions, making judgments, or drawing up interventions without first reading what I have to say, because like it or not, it’s my truth, stop reading n-o-w. If you so chose to read on, b-r-e-a-t-h-e. And hear me out all the way through. Though I was raised in a recovering-Catholics-Anonymous type home, with the general idea that there was a God, I was otherwise free to develop my own beliefs. I must thank my mother for this gift because, though it was risky, it was love. When I first experienced a church, I was looking for affection, not God. I’ve always had an unrequited needed for community, friendship, love. (Who doesn’t??). Plus, it was a time to experiment. What happened next at college, is still a mystery I’ve been trying to solve ever since I’ve left. As I began to leave college, as most of you know, I began some intensive therapy. Not just to heal some old wounds, but to begin a search for meaning, a purpose, a spiritual and personal soul journey. During this time, I read a few books on the things I'd experienced, and learned something interesting one day. Sometimes, survivors of trauma become suddenly, hopelessly devoted to religion. Not because of belief, but because it’s full of people with open arms providing that human loving connection you've so desperatly needed. Every hurting and broken person in this world would buckle at the very notion, so it's no shock that survivors do this. For these cases, religion becomes just another coping mechanism, even if just for a moment. Sure, it’s healthy and positive and uplifting, but in the wrong, uninformed hands, can teach them to pretend that all of the pain and wounds they’ve beared can be “lifted up” and “let go” up to the whimsical man in the sky without having ever actually dealt with any of the poisonous emotions surrounding such things. So, I began to panic… What part of my 4-year college church ride was the deep, gut-wrenching need to addictive and fulfilling love and friendship and support… and how much of it was real honest faith? This, in addition to reading “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People” (a great book that will crack the shell of even the strongest believers…) caused me to really rock my little world and figure out what it is I really do believe.... Once before, a young, naiive faith was enough to quench all doubt. But finally, wisdom and aging and realism have grabbed the best of me. The goal of finding a happy, content middle has now replaced the good-girl-goals of “how to read the bible everyday” and “how to pray for my enemies.” As a result of this journey, some things have changed. I may believe in God, but I definitely don’t believe in advertising it like cheap product. The hyper-jesus-freak thing, the in-your-face, I'm-right-you're-wrong, take-it-or-leave-it type Christianity. It’s ignorant and it doesn’t work. I also don’t care anymore about doing right by "God’s eyes" because, as much as church kids will urge you that “every answer is in God’s word,” alas, it is not. I may not know much, but I have at least accepted that the world isn’t a black and white bible. Christians want to live in a world where everything they know is true, everything they’ve ever trusted is safe. But it’s not that easy, nothing at all is, certainly not God and religion. Different eyes learn different things about the world, about people, about love, about God. People can’t all be put into a box and expected to be all held to the same standards and rules. So you can’t tell them what’s right, you can’t them they should conform, you can’t expect hell to be a threat worth using if they don't even believe in it to begin with. Be straight, be virginal, be always faithful, don't be angry, forgive to be forgiven, be sober, don't curse, be prude, be perfect. Furthermore, you can’t suggest everyone must “rely on Jesus” for the strength to be so straight-laced. What of the idea that we are all weak without the strength of God? Dare I say it, but God hardly has anything to do with what strength we have inside EXCEPT that he is the one to orchestrate experiences in which to test such strength. The strength in question does remain ours. We find our own strength inside to survive, make healthy, happy choices, morals, ethics, values, we decide what we need, how to take care of our bodies and our loved ones on our very own. As unwilling as people are to accept it, there is moreso such a thing as true, honest, good people than there are "saved" people. Afterall, only a percentage of this world "rely" on God’s help to overcome, yet still we all stand here equal. No one escapes cancer and pain and abuse and misfortune. The saved are not more apt to be sucessful and have their dreams come true. Therefore, logic insists that people have strength inside, independent of God. I’d be more apt to believe in a Jesus who, instead of zapping you with some "holy spirit fire", puts people in place that believe in and encourage you to raise hope... OR brings you face-to-face with a homosexual and he says, “Shut your mouth. Don’t SPEAK for me. LOVE for me.” to develop your skill to love without judging.

…Mind you, this is just a glimpse inside of my ritual of insane and  internal dialogue which has been pretty consistent for over a year now. I've finally learned to be settled with the unsettled. I could “maybe” my way through thousands more things. I don’t know where I am in the lifelong battle of belief. And that's okay. It's ok to have NO clue what I believe. I know the faith is there, but if you fell in love with the cheap, store-bought jesus freak act, it's gone. Maybe all that matters is that, there is and always will be a piece of my heart that knows fully and truly, forever and ever, there is a God who loves me, who is proud of me, who wants me to set the world he created on fire with healing, beautiful, unconditional love. Know this: People are in and of WORTH by their very creation, it's in our soul and being. All require support and acceptance no matter what. It is a natural, inate, psychological NEED and our existence on this earth is to provide it, not damage it. I don’t need to know anything about God or Church or the Bible or Religion. I don’t need answers. I don’t need to listen to Jeremy Camp or be "pure" or praise him every Sunday to know He’s there and to know, for sure he has meant for me to be on this earth to be his heart.